Friday, June 10, 2011

Learning to be me...

Sometimes I read too much into things, especially when I'm pregnant and hormonal.

I find that I think alot.

I question why I do things the way I do them and why sometimes I really don't feel like I fit in certain places or relationships.
I think about the droughts and the seasons of famine that I've experienced lately; famines of friendships, in deep connection with certain people and famines of warmth.
I think about how Yah (God) created me and why He designed me the way He did.
I wonder about why I feel deeply about things that others don't seem to care much for.
I try not to think too much about why some people disregard my feelings.
I reflect upon how feeling ostracised makes you feel lonely and yet how it also has made me draw closer to my Maker and Friend - my God.
I try to put aside the feelings of rejection and loss and think about the joys and wonderful things He has placed in my life; the new friendships, the kind words, the people who seem to really care.

And I come to the place where I know that this walk of life is so much about learning just to be who I am - warts and all - and how those who know me truly know that these things about me;

1. That the most important relationship in my life is between me and my Awesome Almighty God. It is a relationship based on faith and grace and one that means everything in my life
2. That my relationship with my incredible husband and our children comes next in line
3. That Yehovah's Word (the Scriptures found in the Bible) are the loving instructions that my Heavenly Father has given to me for healthy living
4. That I am a complex and multi-faceted person!

I am a person who loves to organise and yet that doesn't mean that I put my home before my relationships.
I am a person who loves all things natural and gentle in parenting and yet that doesn't mean that I haven't struggled BIG TIME with things like breastfeeding, co-sleeping and discipline.
I am a person who loves to eat well and yet have at times struggled hugely with being overweight.
I am a person who stays at home to homeschool my children and yet at times, despite loving this lifestyle completley, still desperately needs to be alone and just recharge my own batteries.
I am a person who loves a natural style of homeschooling yet who has children who desire order and request more structured planned out lessons!
I am person whom most would consider to be a 'straighty-180' and yet is too weird and eccentric for some.
I am a person who only needs a few very close loyal loving friends yet who feels like her heart has been broken in two by the rejection of several friends in the past year.
I am a homebody and yet I love to get out and about and mix with other people.
I am a very social person and yet I sometimes find meeting new people scary.
See, I told you I was complex!
You might even call me a contradiction sometimes!
But that's who I am.
Well, it's part of who I am.

I am wanting to put on God-coloured glasses and see me through them.
I pray that Yah takes the rubbish out of who I am to make me more like His Son.
I pray that He enlarges in me the things that are already like Him.
I pray He makes me into all that He wants me to be.
No more and no less.
I pray that I can bring glory to Him through it all.

Just some reflections of a heart bound to Him.
More another time.


Sumara said...

I love you, darling Lusiana. xoxoxo.

Oooh, I just had a thought... do you guys have plans for Monday, the public holiday? We need to catch up...

lusi said...

Love you too mate :-) oh would have loved to have caught up on Monday too but we have a mothers group meet planned. Sorry mate but will DEFINITELY catch up soon!
Love you x

Andi said...

I feel your heart in this post, I can relate to the famines in friendships and such....may your Shabbat be filled with peace and your batteries recharged.

caz1975 said...

I think we are all contradictions, just part of the wonderful quirks God created us with!

Your life has changed lately and sometimes changes come with grief. I changed churches last year and it took me almost a year to grieve through that, and I didn't even lose any friendships in the process, just the identity of where my 'home' was. So I can only imagine how hard it would be to make life changes that cause others to walk away. I love that in this wilderness time for you God is your rock, Keep holding onto Him as it is He who leads your journey and He will bring along all that you need, including the fellowship you desire :-)

Sarndra said...

Thank you for such a beautiful, honest and thought-provoking post. we are all contradictions and feel out of place at times. i hope this weekend brings you love and comfort; i hope your family and friends wrap their arms around you and make you feel special. you are a very beautiful soul xxo

lusi said...

Thank you for your kindness.
I really mean it.
Love to you all,
Lus x

Karen L said...

Ah Lusi,
I also so identify with your post. A lot of things you are feeling have touched a cord in my own life. The feeling of famine in friendships, the contradictions of being a people's person, but yet feeling shy around strangers. This year I have felt very disconnected to lots of folk - not necessarily thier fault, but have struggled to fit back in. But like you, this year I want my life to revolve around listening to my Lord, and being the person he wants me to be, which means I need to rely on Him and not necessarily on those around me. Your desire to be more Christ life, has been a real encouragement to me as I read your blogs.

lusi said...

I was really encouraged by your comment Karen; thanks for sharing your heart with me. Praying God meets all your needs as you continue to draw closer to Him.
Much love,
Lus x

Traci said...

Hey Lusi, thanks for you "real" post:) The posts in which we are able to really share our hearts and our thoughts are always my very most favorite. I love to see how Abba is working with each of us as we ponder our journey. I always find it so interesting how similar our paths (as women)can be at times. Lately I have been praying that I will be able to apply and keep alive in my heart all of the amazing things He is teaching me about Him and me on this journey as He teaches me to trust Him.

Blessings my far away blogger friend:)

Anonymous said...

Your special just the way you are. I know we don't know one another very well but I always feel just from reading your blog that you are honest, friendly, caring, kind, thoughtful, responsible, loving, clever and lots more!

I am glad to be your friend :)

Love from Susan McGuire (smiles1965) xxoo


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